Short jokes One Liners Biography
Source:- Google.com.pkWhat's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday? A: Forget it once! Q: What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? A: They were all born on holidays. Q: What goes up and never comes down? A: Your age! Q: What did one candle say to the other? A: "Don't birthdays burn you up?" Q: "Were any famous men born on your birthday?" A: "No, only little babies." Q: Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday? A: Because people kept toasting him! Q: What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? A: Angel food cake, of course! Q: What’s the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? A: Get married on his birthday. Q: What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow? A: A birthday pheasant! Q: How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday? A: He has a whale of a party! Q: What did one candle say to the other? A: "Don't birthdays burn you up?" Q: What was the average age of a cave man? A: Stone Age! Q: Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards? A: The stamps kept falling off the rocks! Q: Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? A: Because it was marble cake! Q: What does a clam do on his birthday? A: He shellabrates! Q: What party game do rabbits like to play? A: Musical Hares! Q: What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? A: Mice cream and cake! Q: Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? A: In a cat-alogue! Q: What is a meaning of a true friend? A: One who remembers your birthday but not your age! Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? A: Thanks. I'll never part with it! Q: Why are birthday's good for you? A: Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest! Q: What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? A: "What's eating you?" Q: When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? A: When it's been sliced. He won the funniest joke of the year at the Edinburgh Fringe in 2010. His winning joke was ‘I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’
Anyway, to the point of this post, here’s a selection of Tim Vine’s famous one-liner gags:
The advantage of easy origami is twofold…
I was in the Army once and the sergeant said to me ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said ‘I give up!’
I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!
So I rang up British Telecom and said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’ He said ‘Not you again’
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one’
I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said ‘Put it back’
I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing; serves him right
Albinos; you can’t say fairer than that
So I said to this train driver ‘I want to go to Paris’ He said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘I’ve been on telly, but I’m no Dean Martin’
Beware of Alphabet Grenades; if you throw them, it could spell disaster
I saw this advert that said ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full’ I thought ‘I can’t turn that down’
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
Black beauty; he’s a dark horse
I wanted to be a milkman; but I didn’t have the bottle
I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from’
I said to the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said ‘How flexible are you?’ I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’
My mate said to me ‘Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?’ I said ‘Cors-i-can!’
I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox
I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags; he’s bisatchel
I went to the local supermarket. I said ‘I want to make a complaint; this vinegar’s got lumps in it’ He said ‘Those are pickled onions’
I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything; trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past; it was a bit choppy
I used go out with an anaesthetist; she was a local girl
Did you know that if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it would give birth to a litter of Twiglets?
So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are’
During the war, my grandfather could not stop scribbling; he got hit by a Doodlebug
I’ve got a front door made from sponge; don’t knock it
I’ve played football on a plane, you know… there I was, running up the wing!
I threw some snow at my girlfriend; she didn’t catch my drift
Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They’ve formed The Doors
I went to the icecream shop and said ‘I want to buy an icecream’ He said ‘Hundreds and thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with the one’
When I left home, my mum said ‘Don’t forget to write’ I thought ‘That’s unlikely; it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’
Velcro… what a ripoff
So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Weggie Kray
I went to the record shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’
What do you call a lady with big teeth who sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen
I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui
When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up
Exit signs; they’re on the way out aren’t they?
This bloke said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of your trouser leg and put it in a library’ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books’
So I went to the dentist. He said ‘Say Aaah.’ I said ‘Why?’ He said ‘My dog’s died’
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