Funny Short Adult Jokes Biography
Source:- Google.com.pk
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
Lawyer: Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you. You owe me $500 now and $347.26 a month for the next 36 months.
Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds like car payments!"
Lawyer: "You're right -- mine."
There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus to work one day. He parked it right down in front of the firm where he worked to show it off to all his lawyer buddies.
As he got out, this truck side-swiped the door and ripped it right off.
The driver stopped and ran to the lawyer saying "Are you alright, are you alright?"
The lawyer, now furious, started to scream and berate the driver. "What the heck do you think you are doing? This is my brand new Lexus...Ya know I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you for all you are worth!"
Then a policeman ran up to the scene and said to the lawyer, "Calm down! You lawyers are so materialistic it's disgusting! Don't you know, when that truck ripped your door off, it took your arm with it?"
The lawyer looked down and saw his left arm missing and said "Oh No!, . . . my ROLEX!"
"Hey Grandpa!, can you make a noise like a frog?"
"I think I can do that. Why?"
"Coz Dad says when you croak, we're going to Disneyworld"
QUOTES
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
A Queensland (Aussie State) jackeroo (cowboy) is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man,
'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.'
THINGS TO PONDER....
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
The statistics on sanity reveal that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Aren't kids great? They say what's on their minds and what makes perfect sense to them. And we adults get to enjoy it. Here are the answers some elementary school children gave to these questions about their mothers.
How did God make mothers?
Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
He made my Mom just the same as he made me. He just used some bigger parts.
He used dirt, just like He used for the rest of us.
Why did God make mothers?
Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
To help us come out when we were getting born.
Mainly to clean the house.
She's the only one who knows where to find the scotch tape.
Why did God give you your mother and not somebody else's mom?
God knew she likes me a lot more than other kid's moms like me.
We're related.
What kind of little girl was your mother?
I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be she was pretty bossy.
They say she used to be nice.
My mother has always been my mother and none of that other stuff.
What ingredients does God use to make mothers?
They get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
God makes mothers out of angel hair and clouds everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
How did your mother meet your dad?
Mommy was working in a store and daddy was shoplifting.
Why did your mother marry your father?
She got too old to do anything else with him.
My grandma says that mommy didn't have her thinking cap on.
My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world, and my mommy eats a lot.
Who's the boss around your house?
My mom doesn't want to be the boss, but she has to because my dad's such a goofball.
Mom. You can tell by how she does room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
What makes a real woman?
A real woman is that you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
What does your mother do in her spare time?
To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
Mothers don't do spare time.
What's the difference between dads and moms?
Dads are stronger and taller, but moms have the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just have to work at work.
What's the difference between mother and grandmas?
You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
About 30 years.
Describe the world's greatest mother?
She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
The greatest mother in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is there anything about your mother that's perfect?
Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
Just her children.
What would it take to make your mother perfect?
You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
A diet.
If you could change one thing about your mother, what would it be?
I'd make my mother smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
A social worker from Ohio who was recently transferred to the mountains of North Georgia, was on the first tour of his new territory when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
'Anybody home?' he asked. 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?
''Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door.
'This is the outhouse!'
These are actual quotes of what people said in court, word for word:
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
Lawyer: Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you. You owe me $500 now and $347.26 a month for the next 36 months.
Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds like car payments!"
Lawyer: "You're right -- mine."
There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus to work one day. He parked it right down in front of the firm where he worked to show it off to all his lawyer buddies.
As he got out, this truck side-swiped the door and ripped it right off.
The driver stopped and ran to the lawyer saying "Are you alright, are you alright?"
The lawyer, now furious, started to scream and berate the driver. "What the heck do you think you are doing? This is my brand new Lexus...Ya know I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you for all you are worth!"
Then a policeman ran up to the scene and said to the lawyer, "Calm down! You lawyers are so materialistic it's disgusting! Don't you know, when that truck ripped your door off, it took your arm with it?"
The lawyer looked down and saw his left arm missing and said "Oh No!, . . . my ROLEX!"
"Hey Grandpa!, can you make a noise like a frog?"
"I think I can do that. Why?"
"Coz Dad says when you croak, we're going to Disneyworld"
QUOTES
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
A Queensland (Aussie State) jackeroo (cowboy) is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man,
'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.'
THINGS TO PONDER....
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
The statistics on sanity reveal that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Aren't kids great? They say what's on their minds and what makes perfect sense to them. And we adults get to enjoy it. Here are the answers some elementary school children gave to these questions about their mothers.
How did God make mothers?
Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
He made my Mom just the same as he made me. He just used some bigger parts.
He used dirt, just like He used for the rest of us.
Why did God make mothers?
Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
To help us come out when we were getting born.
Mainly to clean the house.
She's the only one who knows where to find the scotch tape.
Why did God give you your mother and not somebody else's mom?
God knew she likes me a lot more than other kid's moms like me.
We're related.
What kind of little girl was your mother?
I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be she was pretty bossy.
They say she used to be nice.
My mother has always been my mother and none of that other stuff.
What ingredients does God use to make mothers?
They get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
God makes mothers out of angel hair and clouds everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
How did your mother meet your dad?
Mommy was working in a store and daddy was shoplifting.
Why did your mother marry your father?
She got too old to do anything else with him.
My grandma says that mommy didn't have her thinking cap on.
My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world, and my mommy eats a lot.
Who's the boss around your house?
My mom doesn't want to be the boss, but she has to because my dad's such a goofball.
Mom. You can tell by how she does room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
What makes a real woman?
A real woman is that you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
What does your mother do in her spare time?
To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
Mothers don't do spare time.
What's the difference between dads and moms?
Dads are stronger and taller, but moms have the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just have to work at work.
What's the difference between mother and grandmas?
You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
About 30 years.
Describe the world's greatest mother?
She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
The greatest mother in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is there anything about your mother that's perfect?
Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
Just her children.
What would it take to make your mother perfect?
You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
A diet.
If you could change one thing about your mother, what would it be?
I'd make my mother smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
A social worker from Ohio who was recently transferred to the mountains of North Georgia, was on the first tour of his new territory when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
'Anybody home?' he asked. 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?
''Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door.
'This is the outhouse!'
These are actual quotes of what people said in court, word for word:
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Funny Short Adult Jokes SMS Funny Jokes In Hindi In English Message In Urdu 2013 In Tamil Hindi Latest For Adults in Telugu In Hindi 140 Words Images
Funny Short Adult Jokes SMS Funny Jokes In Hindi In English Message In Urdu 2013 In Tamil Hindi Latest For Adults in Telugu In Hindi 140 Words Images
Funny Short Adult Jokes SMS Funny Jokes In Hindi In English Message In Urdu 2013 In Tamil Hindi Latest For Adults in Telugu In Hindi 140 Words Images
Funny Short Adult Jokes SMS Funny Jokes In Hindi In English Message In Urdu 2013 In Tamil Hindi Latest For Adults in Telugu In Hindi 140 Words Images
Funny Short Adult Jokes SMS Funny Jokes In Hindi In English Message In Urdu 2013 In Tamil Hindi Latest For Adults in Telugu In Hindi 140 Words Images
Funny Short Adult Jokes SMS Funny Jokes In Hindi In English Message In Urdu 2013 In Tamil Hindi Latest For Adults in Telugu In Hindi 140 Words Images
Funny Short Adult Jokes SMS Funny Jokes In Hindi In English Message In Urdu 2013 In Tamil Hindi Latest For Adults in Telugu In Hindi 140 Words Images
Funny Short Adult Jokes SMS Funny Jokes In Hindi In English Message In Urdu 2013 In Tamil Hindi Latest For Adults in Telugu In Hindi 140 Words Images
Funny Short Adult Jokes SMS Funny Jokes In Hindi In English Message In Urdu 2013 In Tamil Hindi Latest For Adults in Telugu In Hindi 140 Words Images
Funny Short Adult Jokes SMS Funny Jokes In Hindi In English Message In Urdu 2013 In Tamil Hindi Latest For Adults in Telugu In Hindi 140 Words Images
Funny Short Adult Jokes SMS Funny Jokes In Hindi In English Message In Urdu 2013 In Tamil Hindi Latest For Adults in Telugu In Hindi 140 Words Images
Funny Short Adult Jokes SMS Funny Jokes In Hindi In English Message In Urdu 2013 In Tamil Hindi Latest For Adults in Telugu In Hindi 140 Words Images
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